Confused.

I've found that the best way to understand everything that's going on in my jumbled head is to write. That's just how I've always handled things...I think and analyze and write out what I'm feeling so that I can make sense of it all. So if you're reading this and you don't want to hear about the complications in my life, then I advise you to stop reading right...about...now (I'll post something of a lighter nature soon, I promise).

So tonight I went to the Wesley Foundation for the second time. There are a couple of people that I've known since freshman year who go...I've heard them talk about it but I never had any interest in going. But this semester I came more closely in contact with it, since my then boyfriend and several of his friends were active members.

Now, I'm a member of the Catholic Church, and I have been since I was baptised (a few months after I was born). I went to Sunday School (CCD as it was called) through the 8th grade, and I was confirmed before I went to a Catholic high school in Atlanta. I go to Mass every Sunday morning and I'm proud to be a Catholic.

Wesley, however, is slightly different from what I'm used to in an organized religion. At Mass, we have a certain routine and structure that we follow. The priests are in vestments, there's an altar and a crucifix...it's formal and structured and I've always liked that. But Wesley is different...there's a minister who gives a sermon, but he's in jeans and a polo shirt instead of formal robes. They sing songs like we do, but the songs I'm used to are more like hymns. When I went to Wesley for the first time and heard their music, the first words that popped into my head were "rock concert for Jesus." If Jesus were around today and he wanted to rock out loud, then he would go to Wesley. And that's not a bad thing--it's just very different from what I'm used to. It's tailored for college students, which is something I think the Catholic Church could work on.

The first time I went to Wesley was a week ago today, but my reaction then was different from the one I had after tonight's service. When I left last week, I started to get mad. I don't think I was mad at anything or anyone in particular, but suddenly I found myself in a really bad mood. I couldn't explain it. All I knew was that Wesley and the Catholic Church are both Christian institutions, but they are very different in practice. And I couldn't figure out how I felt about the service I had just attended. It was nice...I liked the message that the minister gave, I saw all the people that I have known for a while as well as some friends that I had made in recent months, and my opinion on the music was still up in the air. But after careful consideration (over a couple of days), I felt torn between the two institutions. I've always loved the Catholic Church--like I said, I'm very attached to it and proud of it and I enjoy going to Mass. But Wesley wasn't so bad, either. I liked the sense of community I felt (it was an everyone-knows-everyone-else sort of thing, which I admire) and the message in the sermon (if that's the proper term for it...we call it a "homily" in the Catholic Church). To some extent, I felt that truly enjoying Wesley would be an insult and a betrayal to the big part of me that's attached to the Catholic Church. And because I was afraid that it would be more like Life Teen Mass, I was ready to dismiss the service before I even set foot in the door. And for that, I'm ashamed and sorry. Being judgmental is something that Christians are taught to avoid, and there I was on my high horse, assuming that attending a service at Wesley wouldn't be as great as going to a Mass in the Church. My boyfriend and I discussed what we felt that night and ended up breaking up based on our separate religious affiliations and the consequences of staying together despite our beliefs.

So I decided late Friday night that I needed to give Wesley another chance. If I could legitimately get something out of the sermon and apply it to my daily life, if I could somehow grow in my faith thanks to a service like that, then I should try to go again. I shouldn't condemn it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone and shows me a different aspect of Christianity. And knowing how much it meant to my ex-boyfriend and several of my friends (and many of his, too) also drove me to abandon my assumptions and judgments and give it another go. I just got back not too long ago, and I realized that I liked Wesley more than I expected, mostly because of the message that I got out of it. The music still throws me off, especially when people start putting their hands in the air and nodding their heads to the beat. Again, it's not a bad thing, it's just a different way to worship the same God. So I guess what I'm getting at is that I still feel torn between the two. I'm lost and confused, as it were, and I don't like it. Do I keep attending Wesley? Do I just stick to Mass? Do I do some combination of the two--but then which do I associate myself with? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm terribly sorry for judging and condemning Wesley the way I did. I'm so sorry.

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Gold Watch and Chain lyrics
Darling how can I stay here without you?
I have nothing to ease my poor heart
All the world, it seems sad, dear, without you
Tell me now that we never will part

I will pawn you my gold watch and chain, love
I will pawn you my gold wedding ring
I will pawn you this heart in my bosom
Only say that you'll love me again.